For anyone that had a great day today, I’m happy for you.
For anyone that does not recognize the day, I honour that.
For those that had a tough day, I send you much love.
I had a tough day. A disappointing day that turned out differently than the plan.
My daughter was going to take me out for an ice cream today. When she mentioned wanting to take me and her grandmother out earlier this week, her grandmother said no. The closest town is 45 minutes away so it’s not like it’s a short drive anywhere. But I really don’t know why she said no. My daughter came to me upset that she couldn’t treat us to a Blizzard at Dairy Queen. I told her we could still go. Her and I. It would be a mother daughter day out. And she was excited. And said yes.
However today I ended up digging an ice cream out of the freezer at home to eat by myself while savouring looking at my freshly mowed lawn that just took me two hours to cut and trim – instead of going to DQ for the Blizzard she promised – because she decided she didn’t want to get dressed or go out.
But I still had to drive into town (by myself) because I needed to buy dog food – which I put off buying the other day because we were supposed to be going out today – and then came home to mow because it’s been raining for three weeks and there was a break in the rain – and there is no one else to do it.
Why do I set myself up for these failures and disappointments? I say after each time she changes her mind, I won’t make plans anymore. And yet I do. I thought for sure we would go as she likes to treat people and loves Blizzards. It was a chance for her and I to spend some time together. But no. It was not meant to be.
An adult with FASD once said, expectations are just premeditated resentments. I did expect us to go today because she asked to because it was Mother’s Day. But I guess I shouldn’t have. I don’t resent her. I am disappointed. We could have had a lovely day out. Like we use to. But as I wrote in Connecting with Gutters we don’t do much together anymore.
So as I dug out the last ice cream cone in the freezer, she says to me, “You deserve that”.
In my mind I’m thinking, “No, I deserved DQ”.
But I held my breath and went outside, with my aching muscles, to breathe in the smell of a freshly cut lawn.
And while maybe this doesn’t seem like much to some, and some may feel I should be grateful I have my daughter to spend the day with, yes to both those. But as post after post of friends and others showing what wonderful days they had, it makes me feel that grief and loss that shows up in unexpected ways when you raise or support an individual with a complex disability.
So I wipe the tears away from my eyes because I am tired and disappointed and feel alone, just like the little bird that landed across the boulevard.
So hugs to anyone that is also alone or disappointed or their day just didn’t go as planned.
Tomorrow is a new day.