A Tale of Two Moms

The maiden went to visit her birth mother for a week. This was the longest visit. Up until now most visits have been a weekend, but she said she wanted to go for a week, so that is what she did. I didn’t realize I would still feel so emotional about it.

The night before she left, she went upstairs early, to get a good night’s sleep. She went up at 7 p.m. Within 15 minutes she was back downstairs, saying she couldn’t get to sleep. After a few minutes, she asked me if I was okay.

Me (the mother): Why wouldn’t I be okay?

Maiden: I don’t know. Will you miss me?

Me: Of course I’ll miss you. Will you miss me?

Maiden: Yes. But I hope you are okay with me going.

Me: Yes, of course I am. You have a right to visit your birth mom and have a relationship with her.

Maiden: I just don’t want you to be sad.

Me: I’m not sad.

Maiden: This is hard for me too. I have two moms and I don’t want to upset you.

Me: I’m not upset. It’s okay. I love you. And always will.

Maiden: I do think of you as my mom. You raised me. You helped me.

Me: And I would do it all over again.

With that, the maiden came over and lay behind me on the couch. Like she used to when she was very young. When we watched Little Bear or Maggie and the Ferocious Beast, before she went to bed.

The next morning, when we dropped her off at the train station, the Crone promised her she’d text her every night and I said I’d text her every morning.

I heard from her the first day. She told me how they were going on a ferry ride. Then the next day, they were going to a splash pad. Then her bio brother was coming over for a visit. I started to get the old feelings of, here we go, it’s going to be all fun and games and she won’t want to come back because it’s much more fun to be there, then here, where she is expected to help out.

hugging time

Then I was tagged on a Facebook post …. both me and her bio mom – referred to as mom (with our names together in brackets). I hate that I start feeling competitive or slighted. That all the worry, all the care, the heartache, the fight for services, the advocacy, the love, understanding and protection, all I gave up to care for her, everything  I managed for the last 11 years, could be gone because the bond to her birth mother is stronger than to me, the woman who adopted her.

She ignored most of my texts. Or gave a quick response and said she was sorry she was too busy to answer me. She called me on the fifth night. Said she was homesick. I told her that she only a few more nights, then she’d be home. I told her she would have to speak to her birth mom to see if she could change her ticket, but to wait until the morning to see if she still felt the same way.

By the morning she was fine though. I’m sat here tonight on the last night, wondering what the next few days will bring. She comes back tomorrow. Will she come back glad to be back? Or wanting to go back to her birth family? Is she going to have a difficult transition back to us? Or will she forget she was ever gone after the first day?

This is the difficult part of being an adoptive mom when birth mom is still around. I am supportive of the maiden having a relationship with her birth mom. But I don’t have to have a relationship with her. I am sure birth mom has her own issues with the fact someone else raised her child.

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I tried to find some articles to read to see if what I was experiencing was valid. To see how others have dealt with it. To look for other opinions and perspectives. But I couldn’t find any. Most deal with the child and birth mom.

I found one where both moms met and developed a relationship. But that situation was a child willingly given up for adoption. There was no trauma, abuse or neglect involved. The maiden was removed from her birth home and her bio parents lost their parental rights. Although we may share some similar feelings, our situation is a little different.

I also realize that this is hard for the maiden. Having two moms. One that gave birth to her. One that raised her. But wanting to keep both happy.

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I can’t bring myself to meet the maiden’s birth mom. To have a relationship with her. Maybe one day. But not today.

 

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