I’m feeling very down and defeated and alone lately. I’ve shared a lot about the maiden (and myself in the process) but to be fair maybe I should dig a little deeper and share more of myself. This isn’t a self-pity post – at least that isn’t the intent. But I haven’t been too active lately because I’ve been struggling to keep myself afloat.
I understand everyone at some point struggles. And I know there will be light at the end. There always is. But I also know it can be a struggle everyday to remain positive and keep going when so much is going on. So what is bringing me down?
I just spent a week with the maiden because the Crone was sick. The two of them were arguing and they needed respite. So I brought the maiden back home for a week. She was on a break between her first semester and second. I’ve been so down I completely forgot to congratulate her on completing her first college semester! Having her here didn’t make me sad – but it reminded me how alone we really are and how I’ve isolated myself while raising the maiden. There was no one to check in on her. I work 3 days a week (didn’t qualify for any time off as its a casual position) so I was worried about leaving her at the house alone – but there was no alternative. There were a couple incidents proving again even at 19 she can’t be alone for long.
I moved away from my close friends 12 years ago when I moved to my current community. And because of the challenges with raising the maiden I never developed any friendships in my community. I left full time work 10 years ago and with that I lost those social connections. Totally my doing, that I’ve ended up here, but it was hard to find friends who understood and didn’t judge. Even one friend I thought would understand judged me and we drifted apart. So I’ve been alone.
I tried to reach out to others in the same space but most of us are just too tired or consumed with surviving to connect. I did have respite when the maiden was young so I was able to recharge but I craved the quiet space of my home when she was gone. I didn’t want to go out. I tried to get us involved in activities but she soon lost interest.
I have been living with my partner since April. Moving in together was a mistake. He has his own issues he has not dealt with, and he was never accepting of the maiden. I defended and made excuses for his behaviour, but I shouldn’t have. This was my house for 12 years before he came here, but now he owns half and we are stuck in an awkward dance of trying to figure out how to separate. It’s complicated and it’s getting me down. I am sad that the dream I thought we both had for our future turned out to be just that – a dream. I think he told me what I wanted to hear. It was because I believed in that dream I made choices which have put me in peril.
I’m only working a part time contract and in two and a half months I’ll be unemployed. I’m going to have to sell my house just to survive – and my house was my security. But I can’t afford it alone. And where will I go on unemployment? I am angry that the house I’ve managed to keep for 12 years I will now lose. My mom and daughter can’t move back in and I have an anxious dog so getting a roommate at this point isn’t an option. And because of this anxious dog I am limited in where I can go.
I’m angry at myself – that the equity I was building for my retirement will likely now be have to be used to live on – and then I worry about my future. I was out of the work force for 10 years and so have not contributed to a pension plan for a long time. How will I survive at 65? I watched my Dad have to live with three strangers in a nursing home. He hated it. I worry that I will be alone. I am not certain the maiden will have the ability to care for me like I did for my Dad and will for my mom when it’s her time.
What kind of an example am I for my daughter when I’ve made decisions that have put my and our future in jeopardy? I struggle with trying to parent an adult. I’ve yet to find any programs or services to help the maiden or myself manage her transition to adulthood. All programs have wait lists. And I’ve not found a professional who really understands – living in a rural area kept the maiden safe, but it has limited our access to already limited services. There are so few resources and I feel her needs are greater than I can provide for.
I’m at a crossroads in my life. I’ve been at crossroads before but I’ve never felt so heavy and frightened before. I’ve felt alone before but this time it feels different. I think because I’ve looked after the maiden for so long I forgot to look after myself. I was there emotionally for my partner over the last 2.5 years – but when I needed him to step up for a few months – which he did but not without issues – he threw it back in my face and accused me of using him. How old are we? That was the end for me. I will not put up with someone who says one thing, but then does an about face. I will not put up with someone who says my daughter should just “grow up” but then he acts immature.
I’m 52 years old. I don’t use people. I never have. I pointed out to him that he is in a better place in his life than when we met three years ago. I’m in a worse place.
I’m scared and I’m alone. I’m trying to keep it together to support the maiden who still needs me and the Crone who is helping me by being the full time caregiver. But it’s taking its toll. I just got another call from the maiden. She is angry at the Crone because the Crone is not backing down asking her to clean her room. It then became a cry of suicide – she can’t stand her life. She can’t live with her Grandma anymore. She wants out.
My life is collapsing all around me. Our lives are collapsing.
It took a crisis eight years ago for us to get services for our family. We’ve been asking for help since the maiden turned 18 but it’s going to take another crisis (and another) to get off the wait lists and that’s not fair. Her behaviour and actions right now will have more serious consequences then when she was eleven – but there is nothing we can do.
We are drowning. Like so many other families.
This crossroads may lead us to a better place but I’m really worried it’s just too dark right now to find the path to follow. I’m trying to find small things to hold onto. I’m trying to reach out to the small circle I do have. But in the end it is only me that can pull myself out. But I feel everything (more than what I’ve touched on) is too heavy.
And that’s why I’ve not been writing much lately. But I wanted to write to let others know who may be struggling that there are others out there struggling as well.
We can read all the positive quotes we want, and follow the advice we know we should, but sometimes there just is no one there to help. So we try to put on a brave face, tell ourselves we have done this before, we can do it again. We find something no matter how small to hold onto and just keep going.
And I will keep writing. Because usually it’s the writing that saves me.